In Pursuit of Belonging by Susan Beth Rottmann

Author:Susan Beth Rottmann [Rottmann, Susan Beth]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Social Science, Anthropology, General, Emigration & Immigration, Sociology
ISBN: 9781789202700
Google: toSYDwAAQBAJ
Publisher: Berghahn Books
Published: 2019-06-06T05:22:34+00:00

MANAGING SINGLE MOTHERHOOD

Leyla feels proud of being a successful “single mother.” “Look at how much work I do! And I do everything myself!” she exclaimed one night. Indeed, it was sometimes exhausting watching her run around her house: bathing Mert and Hande, putting them to bed, helping Sanem and Ceren with their homework, making three or four delicious entrées, wiping up spills, folding clothes, and carrying on a conversation with me, all without a pause. One of the clearest demonstrations of Leyla’s self-reliance was her ability to organize the circumcision celebration for Mert all on her own, which I described in the previous chapter.

During the celebration, Leyla seemed tense at times, but overall in control. However, Selim’s absence from the circumcision celebration was very unusual. Fathers and sometimes older sons provide necessary financial support and are usually involved in arranging concrete details, such as hiring a singer and renting a space for the celebration. Circumcisions are also key bonding moments between fathers, sons, and other male relatives. For Leyla’s family, Recep had to fulfill this role. Although Selim’s frequent absences were the natural result of his job, his absence from Mert’s celebration could not be attributed to working. According to Leyla, Selim felt so ashamed of their furniture that he told Leyla not to invite his family (Mert’s paternal aunts and their families) and arranged not to be there for the celebration. “If I’m not there, they won’t come,” he told her. It was easy for him to arrange an excuse to avoid the celebrations because of his job as a long-distance truck driver. As the family’s provider, Selim would be judged for the quality and expense of the family’s possessions. But, pooling her earnings with her son, Recep’s earnings, Leyla bought new furniture in secret. Because she didn’t tell Selim, Selim contrived to have his truck “break down” and miss the event. Nevertheless, Leyla invited Selim’s two sisters who did come with their families, and she believes that they were impressed by what they saw of the family’s house. For example, Leyla heard one sister commenting positively on the family’s clothes dryer—a relative rarity in Turkey, where most people hang their cloths to air-dry.

On the day of the celebration, Leyla told me simply that Selim was working and could not attend, which I found very strange given that circumcision celebrations are normally attended by all family members. When I asked Leyla about Selim’s absence two years later, she explained that Selim was now very regretful that he missed Mert’s important day, but he learned that he should trust her ability to ensure the family’s good reputation in their community. Also, “He shouldn’t feel ashamed about what we have.” Leyla was pleased that she could mitigate any shame that Selim might feel, while teaching him a lesson about marital trust and, no doubt, about her own ingenuity. She seemed to infer that she wants an even more companionate marriage with Selim.

Later, I asked Leyla if she was happy with how everything turned out.

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